Have you guys had a feeling of helplessness before?
When you wanted to do so much but can only do that much.
That is how I'm feeling now trying to slim down.
Have been so motivated lately that I only consume one meal a day.
There are a few reasons that made me this motivated.
First, it is for my sister's wedding this month on the 26th.
Second, is because I can feel my boyfriend despise me being that way.
Well, it is normal for guys to be wanting to look at pretty girls, but I somehow could not accept my own boyfriend gave me that kind of feeling.
Lately we had a few arguments, and I kept having deep thoughts to myself.
Is this what I have wanted?
Is he good for me?
Or is he just another toxic relationship?
I will leave behind the details of the argument.
That is because he did change a little after the argument for good.
But somehow, there has been trails of broken part inside me that gotten me start thinking a lot.
I've always prioritized him yet, I didn't feel like I've gotten back the same amount of priority in his heart given.
Which I really thought carefully, observing thoroughly.
I doubt a lot ever since.
I should really think for myself more often.
And if this relationship doesn't work out like the way I wanted it to be, I'd rather finish it earlier for good.
A few deep affecting relationships for me is more than enough for me to realize being single has its pros.
You do not need to expect so much out of other person when they could not give you what you wanted.
My new proverb; "The higher the expectation, The more disappointment. Yet while in disappointment, You still hope."
This is the Seven Relationships, Six Desires of a human.
As much as I hope I would not be affected this way, I'm still one human being.
I'm still bounded by these.
That is why I have been thinking; Should I free myself from all these?
Reality, Materiality, Love, Others.
Easier said than done.
I'm in a state of life that I can see things from another aspect without being emotionally-driven at some point.
But I still could not persist the rationality for long time of period without feeling the numbness in my heart.
I'm still stuck after all.
In a loop of never-ending reality that I wished could be better.
I've received news of my client passed away yesterday.
It got me thinking again that Life is so Short.
Unexpected events that you can not stop God from playing his movie.
"Life is but a Movie" like it says.
The news stumbled me for quite a while and my inspiration to compose a song comes.
It is named "消息" a.k.a "The News"
The song reflected how I feel when someone I knew is lost and how it affected those people who loved them.
How helpless I was in that situation consoling them.
From another point of view, it also reflects my own self-communication with myself that happened at times.
I consoled myself and me telling myself everything will be better in life.
I have myself to take care of my own.
It is a little complex in feelings.
I did not compose a lot of songs.
Only when I had strong-pulling feelings that I needed to express out.
Those words that couldn't be expressed that easily to people.
Something inside my heart hidden.
Soon I hope Loon and Adam can help me with composing the music for the songs I wrote.
It is going to make me to have the sense of achievement unlocked.
All those songs were composed in a day or two.
Which also got me thinking; I am such a complex being.
I don't know if its a good thing or bad.
Definitely depending who I relied my feelings on.
And I hope that person is who I'm being with now.
I really hope.
-signing off-
