Life Weights.

 Life can really be a challenge throughout journey.

As we grow, we tend to realize a lot of changes and how life can be exhausting.

Filled with wants and desire, we always hold much expectation of others and never failed to be amazed by how people can be so much disappointing.

For instance, my very own example.

Feels like deep diving without oxygen tank on.

Drowning with all the weight but suffocating.

Been in deep pot for 4 years and the game still going...

A yet to be ending cycle.

Let me first start of with first change, moving down to KL.

Due to some incidents, I moved down to live here with Marcus.

It has been around 3 months and I have started to realize that he still couldn't get hold of the real meaning how couples are to be living with each other.

Or should I say that he don't qualify to have another half.

I somehow felt like I don't belong here or we don't belong to each other.

I kept giving myself the reason of all these are because he had been single for quite awhile, but after sometime, I realized it was his own personality or by his own choice for all that have happened.

Maybe we should have not been together at all.

Living the life of having partner but not having them fully felt like a waste of energy.

Making you feel like you are just an extra.

With or without, not much difference.

Freedom comes with a cost, yet not everyone is willing to sacrifice freedom for their loved ones.

Or maybe I wasn't really the loved one from the start?

Could be.

An advise from a friend of mine said I have got to start making decisions for myself and pull away for good.

But all I can say is it was easier said than done.

Still hanging on till I feel like I'm letting go, I will then do so.

Passion have been ceasing throughout.

Family members are another matter.

Therefore more weight added to it.

Two people being together means two families attached.

Meaning it was no longer the matter of two people but, that two particular beings are the one who held the choices how its being handled.

I see him as being not able to control his nor his family's perception.

That's a BIG CEASURE to me.

Maybe one day...

Second challenge comes.

My Dim-Sum business.

It seemed like the two of my other business partners are trying to get me out of the business authority.

By that, trying to get hold of my bank security-token which is a major setback of how I thought they are steady or sporting partners.

Though this might be due to me moving down to KL yet, one of this major reason why I'm down here was also caused by one of them.

Arsses.

Pardon me cussing, but now I realized how toxic society can be regardless how well you try to mean.

This I can still handle as we have Shareholder Agreement bound by Law.

All I can say is to just try me.

Handle the consequences yourself trying not to abide by the Contract.

My good supportive family has always been the support pillar throughout my entire life.

For the three weeks back in Penang during CNY was loving and loved.

I've always been staying out of home since I was 22 but I never stopped knowing they will always be the one who will always be there for me.

Life can be weighing, it depended on us how were we to deal with it.

However bad, we still will have someone to back us up regardless who that it.

We still hold the authority how we are to be treated.

Knowing yourself holding such power will help you sort out the yes and no's, do's and don'ts.

Empower yourself delicately and choose who you become.

Knowing you will be successful and relieved of all nonsense some day.

The same advise I'm telling to myself.

This blog has been going on for year filled with a lot of ranting.

It was a way to express also nevertheless for those who reads knew that they found people who are facing the same struggles with dark thoughts can come through.

Also a kind of encouragement telling those out there that out of every darkness there will somehow be a light guiding.

Be it bright or dim, you just need to find it.

You hold the power to kill or cure yourself.

I wished you the later.

Feel free to drop a comment for whoever who wishes to express your thoughts or those who are facing their inner monsters.

I may not be of much help but I strongly believe that those who are struggling just wanted to be heard.

Spurt it out and feel good.

Just like me blogging and ranting.

😊😊😊

See you guys around.

-signing off-

The News

 Have you guys had a feeling of helplessness before?

When you wanted to do so much but can only do that much.

That is how I'm feeling now trying to slim down.

Have been so motivated lately that I only consume one meal a day.

There are a few reasons that made me this motivated.

First, it is for my sister's wedding this month on the 26th.

Second, is because I can feel my boyfriend despise me being that way.

Well, it is normal for guys to be wanting to look at pretty girls, but I somehow could not accept my own boyfriend gave me that kind of feeling.

Lately we had a few arguments, and I kept having deep thoughts to myself.

Is this what I have wanted?

Is he good for me?

Or is he just another toxic relationship?

I will leave behind the details of the argument.

That is because he did change a little after the argument for good.

But somehow, there has been trails of broken part inside me that gotten me start thinking a lot.

I've always prioritized him yet, I didn't feel like I've gotten back the same amount of priority in his heart given.

Which I really thought carefully, observing thoroughly.

I doubt a lot ever since.

I should really think for myself more often.

And if this relationship doesn't work out like the way I wanted it to be, I'd rather finish it earlier for good.

A few deep affecting relationships for me is more than enough for me to realize being single has its pros.

You do not need to expect so much out of other person when they could not give you what you wanted.

My new proverb; "The higher the expectation, The more disappointment. Yet while in disappointment, You still hope."

This is the Seven Relationships, Six Desires of a human.

As much as I hope I would not be affected this way, I'm still one human being.

I'm still bounded by these.

That is why I have been thinking; Should I free myself from all these?

Reality, Materiality, Love, Others.

Easier said than done.

I'm in a state of life that I can see things from another aspect without being emotionally-driven at some point.

But I still could not persist the rationality for long time of period without feeling the numbness in my heart.

I'm still stuck after all.

In a loop of never-ending reality that I wished could be better.

I've received news of my client passed away yesterday.

It got me thinking again that Life is so Short.

Unexpected events that you can not stop God from playing his movie.

"Life is but a Movie" like it says.

The news stumbled me for quite a while and my inspiration to compose a song comes.

It is named "消息" a.k.a "The News"

The song reflected how I feel when someone I knew is lost and how it affected those people who loved them.

How helpless I was in that situation consoling them.

From another point of view, it also reflects my own self-communication with myself that happened at times.

I consoled myself and me telling myself everything will be better in life.

I have myself to take care of my own.

It is a little complex in feelings.

I did not compose a lot of songs.

Only when I had strong-pulling feelings that I needed to express out.

Those words that couldn't be expressed that easily to people.

Something inside my heart hidden.

Soon I hope Loon and Adam can help me with composing the music for the songs I wrote.

It is going to make me to have the sense of achievement unlocked.

All those songs were composed in a day or two.

Which also got me thinking; I am such a complex being.

I don't know if its a good thing or bad.

Definitely depending who I relied my feelings on.

And I hope that person is who I'm being with now.

I really hope.

-signing off-

Happy Change, Dreadful Pain.

 These two years my hair had been in totally black state.

Previously have not been dyed for at least TWO freaking years!

Nor did I do any perming before this.

This time I have finally urged myself to do both at the same time!

Colouring it copper, while perming it curl.

Gotta say the result is what I loved.

Looking more mature and fresh at the same time, not everyone liked this look.

For example, Marcus.

He said I looked too mature to his liking.

But guess what?

I don't care!

😔😔😔

This is the time I would finally do things for myself.

Doing the things I've always wanted and make myself happy.

Do not always live in expectation of others.

You definitely couldn't please everyone.

In this case, it's my boyfriend.

Regardless how everyone feel, at times you got to be aware of how you yourself feel.

That's what I learnt since my past mistake.

But first, let me show you my new hairstyle!

I'm sorry, but I have to say I loved how it came out so nicely done.

Done the right decision to try this out at Hair Factory, Karpal Singh.

The staff were nice and friendly.

Definitely recommended.

The only things is that the process is a little thrilling using this funny looking perming machine.

It looked like octopus hand pulling all your hair.

When it's done, the results before end look is damn entertaining.

The hair designer asked me to get my handphone ready with camera.

She even said that some customer got shocked seeing their hair became that way.

Look at my Maggi Mee below.

😂😂😂

I couldn't help laughing when I see myself looking that way.

I think I laughed for a few minutes and bursting out again now and then.

The staff couldn't hold it in when she sees me laughing that way.

But thank God that the end result came out good.

💗💗💗

Other than that, the dreadful part comes.

That's the two side of the story.

As so it seemed that now is the Charlie bug season.

Which means a bad news to me because my house is facing the hillside.

The good news is that is it chilling most of the time it rains and goes misty.

I basically just turn off the air-conditioner and just relax with the cold wind.

But the bad news that comes with it is that there are also a lot of bugs came flying through my window.

All kinds of insects.

Bugs Story kind of variety, which also includes Charlie Bug!

Most of time, it is just pass through and having some of them in my bathroom.

We go along well, and they do not sting me.

Seemed like happy time don't always last.

Therefore, my time has come!

Blisters all over me in all sorts of places!

Fingers, wrist, arm, thigh, neck, lips, and many more!

Damn the wounds are annoying.

Spreading from one place to another the moment I accidentally scratched the nearbyes.

Now I gotta admit I'm not really fond of them.

Just in case you don't know what Charlie Bug is, here is the Google result of it.

If you see one, DO NOT touch or shove it off with your bare hands!

you definitely do not want to end up having this blisters like I did.

Penang is definitely raging with this bugs recently, especially when it's their season.

And if you accidentally come across one, wrap it up using toilet roll and throw it into the toilet bowl.

Bare in mind that if you don't wrap it tight, it will come out squirming inside the side of the bowl.

That is going to be very disgusting and irritating.

But if you accidentally come into contact with it, wash off the area for a few minutes with tap water.

If blisters came out like mine did, go to the pharmacy.

Get a cream called Fucicort from the pharmacist and wrap your wounds up with wire-gauze and tape.

This is to prevent it from spreading the ooze all over whatever that comes into contact.

I bet you could bandage the wound better than I did.

Though I'm a Red Crescent member, my First-Aid skills have been deteriorating ever since I came out of secondary school.

 So, just ignore my looking-too-serious bandage.

😂😂😂

Okay...

It comes to an end today.

Time for me to get busy with my Dim-Sum business!

Chiaos!

- Signing off - 

Now I Know Why!

 I used to blog everyday 12 years back.

Updating each and every little bit of my life here.

Making sure I have a place to remember small little occasions.

I actually enjoyed blogging, but I realized I have been slacking a lot back then.

Now I definitely know the reason why I have not been doing so frequently for the past few years!

The reason is that I wasn't facing the laptop or computer all the time.

Thus I find it inconvenient to just open up my laptop and update my blog.

And now that I'm facing my small tablet as laptop everyday, I couldn't help but doing what I'd forgotten doing all these years.

I used to only blog when I was in pain because the pain was the only thing I wanted to remember and keep telling myself the exact same thing.

But now that I am enjoying my life doing things at my pace, I find myself more at ease, instead of rushing into things blindly.

I am more capable of taking good care of myself and see what is good for me and what is not.

I definitely feel damn blessed *sorry for the vulgar* and loving every single day of my life.

Though I've been debating a lot with my partners about the business, I definitely feel that it's what's best for the company. (and it's a healthy debate)

Though sometimes we got frustrated with each other sometimes. 

😝😝😝

But still, all ends well.

Hopefully they do not hold grudge against me though.

In conjunction with the pandemic, I gotten my second jab yesterday.

Got kind of uncomfortable in the middle of the night but luckily it subsided this morning.

Gotta second jab is not kidding me.

But lucky me that I did not have fever.

Or it's going to be very inconvenient to work.

We're going to have our THIRD photoshoot today.

Like MY GOODNESS.

I definitely hope this will be the last time we need to do this.

Wish Us many many luck!

I guess that's all for today.

- Signing off feeling good and tired -

💗💗💗

Feeling Mischievous Today

 Feeling motivated today to update my blog.

It's a rainy day today.

(I'mma do it the conventional diary kind of thing) 😃

Recently no more of any sad stories.

Days seemed to brightened up as time passes.

New Dim Sum business have gotten me busy and motivated to do things better.

My first very own official business and I'm gonna make it work!

Lightened up with my family worrying I would get too stressed up with the business.

My uncle asked if I was stressed-up or now, and ask me to relieve myself if so.

Funny at the same time happy because he did invested in the business.

My reply was if I'm slacking then he should be worried with his money invested.

😂😂😂

But it did lightened me up.

So it seemed one little gesture can cheer or kill. 

In this case, it's the former.

❤❤❤

It's a new month now.

Beginning of September.

My new goal other than stressing how to make the business better, is to diet.

I have been eating since the past two months.

Weight figure increasing like no limit.

That is damn scary~

😳😳😳

By end of October, I should be less than 10kg than I am now.

Hoping could fit into the gown I bought for my sis' wedding.

I'd be really damned if I couldn't achieve my desired figure.

I definitely do not want to look like a meatball during the wedding.

Wish me luck!

 

Everyone told me I've grown some meat.

Look at that damned cheeks!

😰😰😰

Owh by the way, if you guys still have not try out my Dim Sum then you should!

Come give a little support to little business by me.

I'll leave the link here just in case you guys give some face.

😛😛😛

Click Me For Dim Sum

Do leave a comment below if you decided to try so that I would know who tried.

Gonna get feedback from you guys too!

Thank you in advance!

💗💗💗

- signing off -

New Business Coming Up

Two posts in a day?

Nahhhh~~~

I just realized I have not posted my draft during May until now.

Just publishing it from my Draft.

Up until now, things were changing now and then.

My new business is finally launched on 30th July 2021.

Sedap@DimSum it's name it is!

Yup, We're selling Dim Sum online!

Family & Friendship

 Someone said my post is all about my wrecked-up relationships.

But after the previous post, my inspiration started coming.

I just needed to get it out of my head.

Talking about Family and Friends.

Our blood-bonds are usually the initial motivator to our life I phrase it.

Friends comes after that.

Although sometimes not everyone experiences the same but I believe for the most of us, It Is.

My supportive family lies behind my whole strength and what keeps me going right now.

Though depressed and down-times sucked, I have to say my family members really have been really supportive and caring for my well-being.
That is also the reason why I've been susceptible into telling them too much.

Just didn't want to make them more worried than necessary.

Friends.

They love me as much as I loved them.

Often the called to check on me to make sure I'm okay, texted to annoy me for fun (much to my delight), and asked me out or asked to visit me at my place.

They definitely are part of cores to my well-being! 

This post is to particularly show a lot of Gratitude to those who've helped and accompanied me throughout.

Never in Life that I feel so much Love from all of them until in time of such need.

Each and everyone of them played a different role in helping me.

All shaping me into how I am today.

They are the ones that made me felt Life wasn't that bad.

The Ones that made held on for such a long time.

I LOVE YOU GUYS!

<3