Corona Virus Pandemic

For the first time experiencing such pandemic lockdown is definitely mind-blowing.

It's been since the 18th of March the MCO started.

Three-freaking-weeks have passed, while another two more weeks to go.

Or should I say 18 days more to be exact.

I've been so longing to get out and fly.

Ever since I bought that Air Asia Unlimited Pass.

Which the good use of it is definitely thrown into the sea right now.

The flights are banned, everyone sealed in their own home.

Good side is that the pandemic outbreak was kind of contained.

Bad side is that everyone was really like an animal in the zoo.

Performing cooking skills everyday was a routine.

To me, singing was a routine everyday.

Hahahahaha....

Thank God I have been playing back K达之人.

It have been helping me passing lots of free time.

I definitely gained popularity inside the application.

Joined a few competitions myself and the results are NOT BADDDD...

=D

Gained some happiness and satisfaction from it at least.

People seemed to be enjoying my singing in there.

The results surely felt rewarding.

Hahhahaha....

Somehow during these MCO period, my feelings and emotions actually got better.

It is like I'm getting more peace from it.

I don't know why in exact, but it feels as though I learn how to be on my own.

Living without anyone but myself.

Emotions will still stir-up sometimes.

Just not as frequent as I previously was.

Gradually slowing down my intake of those prescribed medications too.

I'm trying to make myself feel better instead of trying to rely on other people to sooth my feelings.

I still do mourn for myself.

I need to confide in the pain within me to numb it.

It actually helps me to face it rather than straying away from it in avoidance.

The pain didn't hurt any lesser but I'm just trying to not care so much about the pain anymore.

Might be due to the MCO that I learned to cook on my own, doing things for myself to pass time that help me realize that I'm actually able to live without anyone.

It surely feels empty inside but, it somehow held my pain intact.

Or maybe it was the daily routine that helped me engage in other things that I'm busy with thus not realizing its there.

The good side of MCO other than making me accidentally felt better, is that I've been so good in cooking these days that I'm finally starting to cook more complicated dishes!

And, I just did my own haircut the day before yesterday using the method in Facebook video.

The simplicity and result was actually quite astonishing!

I was quite surprised to be honest.

It looked quite good and it doesn't even take 10 minutes!

I actually have the little urge to crop it shorted than intended.

But thinking that it was quite hard to grow back, I held back. X

I still prefer it to be long in the end.

So I wouldn't look too childish and baby-faced.

Normally I wouldn't call myself baby-faced but I gotta admit I could feel cute at times.

=P

Okay, since the MCO is gonna be another 18 days long, I figured out I would go do some groceries shopping tomorrow at Hero Market, which is just right at All Season Place.

I hated to go out these days.

With all the hassle to go through wearing masks and all the sanitizing needed.

I would definitely prefer being at home if it wasn't necessary.

But since I'm going to have to go tomorrow anyway, I'm going to get myself a few bottles of wine!!!

Home alone is really boring at night if I don't get drunk.

I just finished one bottle of Moscato alone the other night and it definitely wasn't enough.

So the to-buy-list tomorrow surely must have bottles of wines in it!

Alright, that's enough ranting for today.

I might blog a lot these lately as I'm just way too free and bought a new wireless keyboard which is very convenient.

Love it!

Okay, bye for now.

<3 p="">

Lost

Often when you thought things were slightly better, it often wasn't that good.

Situations can always prove your thought wrong.

With the massive outbreak of the New-Corona Virus this year, it kind of affects every single aspect in life.

That includes mine.

As of previous post, my emotions have been quite volatile lately.

It surely wasn't good.

I was being nice one second, happy next, anger and outburst later.

Followed by numbness.

I don't know what could have been worst.

It's 3.04am now.

While I'm still here.

Drowning in my own emotion.

I don't know.

It's probably about the quarrel and disagreement I had just now with you know who.

I've been trying so hard to contain myself and be that supportive girlfriend does.

But to him it just wasn't enough perhaps.

I don't even expect that much from him anymore, therefore I wouldn't complain.

But here comes his complaints about me.

That is what started my feeling of numbness more than ever.

I'm just really somehow tired.

Tired of this whole thing.

I don't really know what are we both holding on for right now.

It came to the point where I felt meaningless.

I even felt worthless.

More of all.

Numb.

It even came to the point of having suicidal thoughts again.

Those thoughts have been so empowering over the past half-year.

For past two days it was slightly better with medications.

But it came again just now after those arguments.

I can felt that he kind of saw no point talking to me while I obviously felt the same.

We both kind of stopped trying maybe.

That is why I have not much idea of what we were actually holding on to torturing each other right now.

I'm really tired of all of these mess.

My old plan of marriage at age 26 obviously is blown by myself and now I'm 28 and still clueless of my own marriage.

I just sort of given up on it actually.

I've been feeling so lost in life.

It wasn't a good feeling.

Blogging felt like the only way to express without having to being judged and still hold it to myself.

The only me-time.

I don't even care if anyone reads my blog anymore cause all of these are too much from the heart that I couldn't spit it out from my mouth.

There was probably no other better ways of expressing these without having to be worried of anything.

For example like, making family members to be worried about me or him judging me as being too in grief not seeing or understanding on his behalf.

Once, someone always tell me that nobody is wrong, just the matter of different aspect and no one is willing to step down.

While I waited for him to make things up and him waiting for the same, I might as well just pour my thoughts here for relieve.

It is obviously better here as I wouldn't need to be the offending one nor he would have to defend for himself causing the fuss of the whole thing all over again.

It's just a cycle.

A never ending one.

And I'm tired of this cycle.

Sometimes I really felt like giving up.

Yet, I don't know what makes me didn't.

It became a sort of punishment I told myself that I deserved for starting all these in the first place two years back.

Then this thought would have just hurt me all over again.

The another cycle I've been having so frequent.

That's frightening to me.

So, I'm 28 now.

Yet so lost in life.

Not knowing where my future lies.

Everything is a blank.

I have the ability financially but....

Not really much of the other purpose.

I used to be so clear-minded, goal-based type of girl.

Yet now, I felt so worthless and useless as my life is in a mess and just keep wasting away.

Feeling like an old retired lady but not having to enjoy the essential moments of life I longed to have.

Is my time yet to come?

Or is it already lost?

Well, I don't know.

3 Years Later

Its been 3 years since the last time I blogged and open here up.

Really surprises me how time flies.

Approximately two years ago I broke up with Wonder.

7th of May became the new anniversary for me and Albert.

Really funny how things changed.

Yet I wasn't happy with these changes.

I bought my own house last year which became a new achievement unlocked.

Also I took my Scuba Diving Open Water License last year.

Another bucket-list checked.

Some of these are the only happy things I achieved for myself.

Yet, some other things are actually a burden to me.

For example, my relationship.

It was really hard to deal with.

My life basically felt like a mess.

From regular anxiety to chronic stress and emotional problems leads to my depression.

Doctor have been increasing my dose.

For the medication couldn't work enough to press me down.

I kept feeling like I'm getting panic attack at any point of time.

Shivers, chills, volatile mood swings.

It all became my everyday routine.

I couldn't even manage my emotions when I get to work sometimes.

Chronic insomnia and migraines daily became my best friend.

While it affected my vision.

When I became stressed up, my vision blurred and vibrates as though everything is having earthquake.

Like as in very bad earthquake.

I couldn't help it.

I have to take medication to hold it down and let me have a proper sleep at night.

But even after increasing the dose, I'm still slowly feeling like it doesn't have effect on me anymore.

Feeling like I need more to help it to control myself.

I don't even know what's happening to me now.

I admit that I hold on to the past really bad.

I grieved and blamed.

To no one but myself.

At times I keep telling myself that it's okay.

That I deserved it for making all these mess upon my own.

I couldn't really mention it to anyone.

I'm so being used to be the listener.

Not the one complaining.

Pauline kept checking on me once in a while, and I know she's busy with her own work and life.

Didn't wanna cause her so much trouble to having to listen to me too much.

While others are all occupied with their lives too.

Unless I call them myself, don't think anyone would have realized I'm dead if I really did.

Maybe Elena will do but still the chances are low.

She's happy with her life now.

Didn't wanna bring negative vibes to her too.

Actually I didn't wanna bring it up to anyone.

Other than that Asshole.

But he wouldn't even reply my messages so don't mention saying anything about anything at all.

Albert, I don't know.

I felt like I can't even communicate with him properly nowadays.

We didn't even talk much.

When people asked me about when to marry and all, I just felt like I don't want people to even remember that he proposed last year.

It all meant nothing now.

Not that I'm single now, but I just didn't want to talk about it at all.

Like I say, my life is a mess jumbled up in a mess.

I hate myself right now that I couldn't even say how much. 

Never have had hatred on myself that bad before.

Feeling worthless and useless.

Daily nighttime is the worst of all.

Either I have to cry to sleep or thinking or suicide to fall asleep.

It was scary.

I couldn't have thought that I couldn't be afraid of myself that much before all these.

It really changed me.

2018.

Everything.

Worst transition of time in my whole lifetime I suppose.

Thanks to myself.

Looking for something to cling on.

Well, well.

Here I am again.

All I realize now is that whenever I were to have a massive outburst, I'll go blogging.

It's kind of like a place for me to voice out fully without getting judged or commented when I'm halfway talking.

Coming back to the real reason I blog.

My mind seemed to be flying else where recently.

I'm one freaking emotional creature.

It's hard for me not to be overwhelmed by emotions and I need real bad soothings whenever I'm sad or in a bad mood.

Yeah, I know that sounds totally like a princess but trust me, I don't think I'm one yet so far.

My patience seems to be quite enduring in these recent years but it does come to a certain limitations.

I could bear poverty, somewhat of a little ego, quarrels, heartbreaking stuffs, but somehow I couldn't stand not being comforted when I was heartbroken. 

You can say lies, treat me poorly, or even have a freaking bad attitude in the process, but all I cared for is the end.

You can just hug and say I Love You.

That's all what it takes.

Look back into my previous post of the stages and most importantly, look at the LAST STAGE!

Yet, people know and doesn't do it.

Just because they don't like doing things they don't like to do.

I'm quite speechless for that.

Sometimes I felt like I have sort of given up.

It's as though we have come into a stage where we know what our problems are but no one's willing to make a change.

He doesn't mind giving it up because he's freaking tired.

Me too.

But I just couldn't let go of those years of relationship.

To the hell I'm wrecked.

Yet I don't know how.

Girls, Ladies, Women. They are all the same.

Yeah, we are all the same.

But how are we the same?

We, are very, very, VERY sentimental.

Most boys, guys, or men thought we are one complicated being.

Well, I couldn't help saying they are quite right.

We are in fact quite simple-minded and very driven by emotions.

Why females often get mad and gotten their heart stoned or being cold-hearted?

The truth is women are all very soft-hearted.

It's sometimes the males that trained us to become that way.

How?

Easy.

We, FEMALES normally have what I call the 4 stages.

Unlike movies, our climax positioned in-front.

1st stage.

This stage usually complied the arguments and quarrels.

Women gets mad, and so do the guys.

We just got so fumed up that we just tend to forgot that so do the other party.

Someone just need to say the magic word.

But in my case, under normal situation, both sides just don't know when to give up.

And from there we just brought the whole momentum up to the next stage.

We hated each other.

2nd stage.

This stage is normally what I call the cold-war.

It seems as though both sides needed silence.

It is true that they may need time to relax and cool-down, or maybe not.

As for me, I hated this part.

I would just prefer to just settle the whole matter and get to the last stage fast even if it gets quite messy at times.

But not all people want to get messed-up with the solution.

It is quite heart-breaking having to know that the other party wouldn't really give up and just come and settle the whole matter.

So all the waiting and tears running down when you are crouched at the other side of the bed just bring you up to another whole new level.

3rd stage.

The numb.

Just like the name.

Feelings got numb towards the whole quarreling thing.

Some couples got through this stage while some breaks-up during this stage.

Me?

I got numb-er every single time I went through this stage. 

You just make yourself do stuffs ignoring the other party that does just the same.

Though you were kinda hoping they will just come over and say sorry.

(doesn't always happen that way)

Seconds tick and hours passed.

You don't even hate anymore.

You started to get tired.

For me, it kind of breaks my heart having to see couple through the whole process.

Be it in movies or real life.

In this stage, both sides of couple knew where the problem is.

You don't hate, you just don't know what to feel.

(especially for those who went through this like thousands of times)

Specially true for those who are already in a long-term relationships like 3 years or more.

4th stage.

Note: This stage would only come if at least one side still treasures the whole relationship.

Guys tend to thought it often kind to be like make-a-deal settlement.

But hey no!

Once I asked a male friend of mine, asking why guys just tend to avoid this stage.

He said most guys are afraid that things got messy from here and all the quarreling would start all over again without settling the real matter.

That is why, most would just ignore the whole matter and just move on as though nothing has ever happened throughout the third stage.

Leaving the females stone-hearted and sort of given-up.

He then realized in his late 20's that what most females need during this stage is just a big warm hug from the other partner and say the magic words.

No, not Sorry.

I guess you would have know now.

Yes, it is.

I Love You.

This would just melt out the whole heart and any hard feelings compiled inside.

Though sometimes we may still resist a little, but if guys could be a little persistent in the hugging, trust me.

I could 100% assure you that this trick would work anytime.

Unless you are really planning on giving up the whole relationship.

If not, this trick would work for sure.

I'm not saying only the guys must do this.

It is also doable by the ladies.

Actually depending on who is the actual fault in the whole matter.

Effect is best when the real causer is the one doing the hugging saying the "I Love You", and most importantly, "Sorry".

But in the event that no one is actually feeling wrong and it is just the different perspective of seeing things that started the argument, well then it depends on who truly treasures the whole relationship.

It is not that who treasures who more.

It is just who are more willing to take the initiative to make the move.

As much as I yearned for all these, things would still stray from the ideal way we want it to be.

Well, couples.

One important thing to keep the relationship going is to stay passionate.

I understand that sometimes you got tired and hurt or numb.

Or you might even be used to all the habits of each other, but you still got to be passionate of each others' love.

Just treasure your time together and just try to accept the way each of you are.

It makes relationships easier.

Having the passion to love the other party is more than enough to overcome all these frictions and obstacles.

No matter how much you quarreled or argued, just keep your fire burning inside you.

Like an officer of mine said, "Candles burn because they have heart which are the strings. Do you have it to keep you burning?"

Hope you enjoyed my random post.

Go give the one you love a hug right now after reading.

The effects is what I truly want for you.

The Crazy Hangover!

It has been long since I went for clubs.

Last Monday night was one I would have mentioned as one of the epic hangover.

It was the first time I went for this kind of drinking occasion with Amy, Wey, and Michael to CAMEO.

Well, the four of us started off with one fair Hennessy, finishing half of the bottle within half an hour with the game we played.

I soon realized the four of us started getting tipsy with the blaring music that got us high enough to get our moves out.

After finishing the whole bottle, I did not expect Amy to order another two buckets of Hoegaarden.

I felt like killing her for that because as usual, I hated beer!

 It makes us full and get our tummy bloated.

The worst part is that it makes you vomit like crap.

The hell what's been happening to me right after a few bottles down our throat!

The funny part is that Ah Wey has been badly drunk and doing all sorts of nonsense stuffs. 

In the end, we don't even dare to let him drive us back when we are to go home.

The rest of the 3 of us weren't better than him I supposed.

In the trip of going out to the car, there's been a lot of pulls and pushes in getting Wey down the stairs.

That's when that drunktard pushed me and I had a bad knee contact with the staircase.

All I now remembered was that when I walked out to the front door then only did I feel the throbbing pain.

Guess what?

Tadaaa~~

IT FREAKINGGGG BLEEEEEED!!!!!

That was the most embarrassing part of my night when I recalled my bad night quarreling with Wonder and the other bad days.

My emotions started kicking in and there, I started to sob and cry.

Now I feel like killing myself.

This is the second time I've been drunk crying and worst, in the public!

I guess it kinda made Amy and Michael panic.

Now I don't remember the part of how I got into the car and the whole trip of how we ended up at Birch House McDonalds.

It kind of freaks me out now that I think of it.

All I know is that I was still crying and my eyes were damned puffy!

Over there, there are some conversations that I couldn't much recall and only knew when I saw the video Michael had recorded.

All I could say is OWHHH.MY.GAWDDD!

Right after I'm done crying I guess.

 Amy saying nonsense! xD

 Amy eating burger bread! 
Poker faced!

 Ah Wey: "Wa kio Bryan Tan, wa kio Bryan Handsome Tan!"

I have no idea why am I pouting in the first place!

 Look at that steam faces and my puffy eyes.

This was Wey couldn't even take pictures properly making us look like ghouls!

 Heylo Mikey!
Finally a proper face of ours!

 Okay...
Mr. Bryan Handsome Tan!

This was the part where nonsense conversations come in and Amy was fucking Ah Wey the whole time!

There was also a part I remembered is that I unintentionally dropped the McChicken filling Amy was feeding me onto the floor.

I picked up the meat and threw it at Michael, but I don't know how a few minutes later, Ah Wey was feeding me the particular meat again and ate the rest of it himself!

I now could only say it was disgusting having to think back of it and DAMN!

Later on, we were back to our safe home in Amy's dangerous drunken driving skill.

I thank God nothing happened and I'm still in one piece.

The whole incident doesn't just end here, the next day, which was yesterday was the worst.

All those post-drunk state effects starts kicking in.

My hands, arms, shoulders, knee, feet, waist, in fact, my WHOLE BODY were having bruises and blue blacks!

I suppose that comes from the pulls and pushes at CAMEO.

Today, my hands were trembling on its own when I were doing daily stuffs like eating and all.

I guess that comes from too much alcohol the previous day.

Couldn't deny the fact that we are getting older already!

Anyway, apart from the post-effects I'm having now, I guess it was really enjoyable.

There might be another such outing again with them next month!

Maybe after I come back from Taiwan and JB for the next two weeks.

Now that I mentioned Taiwan, I couldn't wait to go onboard next Wednesday!

Shall update my post when I come back regarding the whole trip.

While tonight, it's Rummy night!

Well, yeah!

I'm an addicted Rummy gambler!

xD

Ciaos!

Hellish Weekend

Today, I'm in a mood to blog finally.

But too bad it wasn't under a very good circumstances.

It's more like a way to express the gray mood I'm having today.

I realized I prefer to put it in words here than to pick someone to express to.

I have Amy and Pauline to complain to, but they are both busy with their stuffs currently and I don't feel like interrupt them both unnecessarily. 

First, for the past one week ain't very favorable to me.

I've received one bad news of having my friend passing away due to an accident collided on the North-South highway two weeks back.

It was very shocking to having to lose a friend just like that in a blink of eye.

I then realized how life could just be shortened like that without any warning!

I now hope that he finds his peace in his afterlife and may he be blessed with good reincarnation in the next life.

This incident seemed to wake me up in the sense of appreciating the ones whom you are surrounded with now and live your life to the fullest everyday, for you may just lose everything in one unfortunate event that you may not even foresee. 

My luck does seemed to waive for the past one week and it is so frustrating to have been issued two summons in two consecutive days!

Yes, it is myself to blame for having my car parked outside the parking box but hey, it was a raining day and there are no other places for me to park and for me to get in the premises not being soak by rain.

Mr. MPPP, I really do admire your enthusiasm in doing your job, but please spare me some times could you?

There are like so many freaking cars and places out there and why have it got to be my damned freaking car?

And now I seemed to have recalled another unpaid summon in my car that was issued last two weeks ago.

So it's like one overdue summon plus two newly issued that amounts up to RM60 in a shot!

I could have just bought 10 freaking ticket books and use it for like god knows how long!!!

Next, it is kind of a personal issue and it is not fair for him to have it complained here.

Which is the major reason of my very own cloudy day today.

I just wish sometimes he could just be a little more thoughtful in this whole relationship thing.

Yes, I understand that women are hard to understand as we are one complicated being.

But in the end of the day, what we actually wanted was such simple things, to being accompanied.

Anyhow he seemed more devoted to other activities recently and I slowly got used to being on my own and without him.

He did asked for my permission of doing it, and of course I granted him the permission to go do what he wanted.

That is mainly because I see no reason why to keep binding him to me if there is no own will of his to do so.

Guess that teaches me slowly to be fully dependent on my own too.

But that doesn't mean I'm happy with such decisions.

I guess I'm just putting myself into such miserable mood.

However, not all is bad.

At least I'm improving in terms of my career.

That means much more to me than everything now.

To have something to concentrate on and creating my very own desired future.

Keep going for myself and family is all I could say!

I guess I've come to an end here for today!

Au revoir!