3 Years Later

Its been 3 years since the last time I blogged and open here up.

Really surprises me how time flies.

Approximately two years ago I broke up with Wonder.

7th of May became the new anniversary for me and Albert.

Really funny how things changed.

Yet I wasn't happy with these changes.

I bought my own house last year which became a new achievement unlocked.

Also I took my Scuba Diving Open Water License last year.

Another bucket-list checked.

Some of these are the only happy things I achieved for myself.

Yet, some other things are actually a burden to me.

For example, my relationship.

It was really hard to deal with.

My life basically felt like a mess.

From regular anxiety to chronic stress and emotional problems leads to my depression.

Doctor have been increasing my dose.

For the medication couldn't work enough to press me down.

I kept feeling like I'm getting panic attack at any point of time.

Shivers, chills, volatile mood swings.

It all became my everyday routine.

I couldn't even manage my emotions when I get to work sometimes.

Chronic insomnia and migraines daily became my best friend.

While it affected my vision.

When I became stressed up, my vision blurred and vibrates as though everything is having earthquake.

Like as in very bad earthquake.

I couldn't help it.

I have to take medication to hold it down and let me have a proper sleep at night.

But even after increasing the dose, I'm still slowly feeling like it doesn't have effect on me anymore.

Feeling like I need more to help it to control myself.

I don't even know what's happening to me now.

I admit that I hold on to the past really bad.

I grieved and blamed.

To no one but myself.

At times I keep telling myself that it's okay.

That I deserved it for making all these mess upon my own.

I couldn't really mention it to anyone.

I'm so being used to be the listener.

Not the one complaining.

Pauline kept checking on me once in a while, and I know she's busy with her own work and life.

Didn't wanna cause her so much trouble to having to listen to me too much.

While others are all occupied with their lives too.

Unless I call them myself, don't think anyone would have realized I'm dead if I really did.

Maybe Elena will do but still the chances are low.

She's happy with her life now.

Didn't wanna bring negative vibes to her too.

Actually I didn't wanna bring it up to anyone.

Other than that Asshole.

But he wouldn't even reply my messages so don't mention saying anything about anything at all.

Albert, I don't know.

I felt like I can't even communicate with him properly nowadays.

We didn't even talk much.

When people asked me about when to marry and all, I just felt like I don't want people to even remember that he proposed last year.

It all meant nothing now.

Not that I'm single now, but I just didn't want to talk about it at all.

Like I say, my life is a mess jumbled up in a mess.

I hate myself right now that I couldn't even say how much. 

Never have had hatred on myself that bad before.

Feeling worthless and useless.

Daily nighttime is the worst of all.

Either I have to cry to sleep or thinking or suicide to fall asleep.

It was scary.

I couldn't have thought that I couldn't be afraid of myself that much before all these.

It really changed me.

2018.

Everything.

Worst transition of time in my whole lifetime I suppose.

Thanks to myself.