Lost

Often when you thought things were slightly better, it often wasn't that good.

Situations can always prove your thought wrong.

With the massive outbreak of the New-Corona Virus this year, it kind of affects every single aspect in life.

That includes mine.

As of previous post, my emotions have been quite volatile lately.

It surely wasn't good.

I was being nice one second, happy next, anger and outburst later.

Followed by numbness.

I don't know what could have been worst.

It's 3.04am now.

While I'm still here.

Drowning in my own emotion.

I don't know.

It's probably about the quarrel and disagreement I had just now with you know who.

I've been trying so hard to contain myself and be that supportive girlfriend does.

But to him it just wasn't enough perhaps.

I don't even expect that much from him anymore, therefore I wouldn't complain.

But here comes his complaints about me.

That is what started my feeling of numbness more than ever.

I'm just really somehow tired.

Tired of this whole thing.

I don't really know what are we both holding on for right now.

It came to the point where I felt meaningless.

I even felt worthless.

More of all.

Numb.

It even came to the point of having suicidal thoughts again.

Those thoughts have been so empowering over the past half-year.

For past two days it was slightly better with medications.

But it came again just now after those arguments.

I can felt that he kind of saw no point talking to me while I obviously felt the same.

We both kind of stopped trying maybe.

That is why I have not much idea of what we were actually holding on to torturing each other right now.

I'm really tired of all of these mess.

My old plan of marriage at age 26 obviously is blown by myself and now I'm 28 and still clueless of my own marriage.

I just sort of given up on it actually.

I've been feeling so lost in life.

It wasn't a good feeling.

Blogging felt like the only way to express without having to being judged and still hold it to myself.

The only me-time.

I don't even care if anyone reads my blog anymore cause all of these are too much from the heart that I couldn't spit it out from my mouth.

There was probably no other better ways of expressing these without having to be worried of anything.

For example like, making family members to be worried about me or him judging me as being too in grief not seeing or understanding on his behalf.

Once, someone always tell me that nobody is wrong, just the matter of different aspect and no one is willing to step down.

While I waited for him to make things up and him waiting for the same, I might as well just pour my thoughts here for relieve.

It is obviously better here as I wouldn't need to be the offending one nor he would have to defend for himself causing the fuss of the whole thing all over again.

It's just a cycle.

A never ending one.

And I'm tired of this cycle.

Sometimes I really felt like giving up.

Yet, I don't know what makes me didn't.

It became a sort of punishment I told myself that I deserved for starting all these in the first place two years back.

Then this thought would have just hurt me all over again.

The another cycle I've been having so frequent.

That's frightening to me.

So, I'm 28 now.

Yet so lost in life.

Not knowing where my future lies.

Everything is a blank.

I have the ability financially but....

Not really much of the other purpose.

I used to be so clear-minded, goal-based type of girl.

Yet now, I felt so worthless and useless as my life is in a mess and just keep wasting away.

Feeling like an old retired lady but not having to enjoy the essential moments of life I longed to have.

Is my time yet to come?

Or is it already lost?

Well, I don't know.