Corona Virus Pandemic

For the first time experiencing such pandemic lockdown is definitely mind-blowing.

It's been since the 18th of March the MCO started.

Three-freaking-weeks have passed, while another two more weeks to go.

Or should I say 18 days more to be exact.

I've been so longing to get out and fly.

Ever since I bought that Air Asia Unlimited Pass.

Which the good use of it is definitely thrown into the sea right now.

The flights are banned, everyone sealed in their own home.

Good side is that the pandemic outbreak was kind of contained.

Bad side is that everyone was really like an animal in the zoo.

Performing cooking skills everyday was a routine.

To me, singing was a routine everyday.

Hahahahaha....

Thank God I have been playing back K达之人.

It have been helping me passing lots of free time.

I definitely gained popularity inside the application.

Joined a few competitions myself and the results are NOT BADDDD...

=D

Gained some happiness and satisfaction from it at least.

People seemed to be enjoying my singing in there.

The results surely felt rewarding.

Hahhahaha....

Somehow during these MCO period, my feelings and emotions actually got better.

It is like I'm getting more peace from it.

I don't know why in exact, but it feels as though I learn how to be on my own.

Living without anyone but myself.

Emotions will still stir-up sometimes.

Just not as frequent as I previously was.

Gradually slowing down my intake of those prescribed medications too.

I'm trying to make myself feel better instead of trying to rely on other people to sooth my feelings.

I still do mourn for myself.

I need to confide in the pain within me to numb it.

It actually helps me to face it rather than straying away from it in avoidance.

The pain didn't hurt any lesser but I'm just trying to not care so much about the pain anymore.

Might be due to the MCO that I learned to cook on my own, doing things for myself to pass time that help me realize that I'm actually able to live without anyone.

It surely feels empty inside but, it somehow held my pain intact.

Or maybe it was the daily routine that helped me engage in other things that I'm busy with thus not realizing its there.

The good side of MCO other than making me accidentally felt better, is that I've been so good in cooking these days that I'm finally starting to cook more complicated dishes!

And, I just did my own haircut the day before yesterday using the method in Facebook video.

The simplicity and result was actually quite astonishing!

I was quite surprised to be honest.

It looked quite good and it doesn't even take 10 minutes!

I actually have the little urge to crop it shorted than intended.

But thinking that it was quite hard to grow back, I held back. X

I still prefer it to be long in the end.

So I wouldn't look too childish and baby-faced.

Normally I wouldn't call myself baby-faced but I gotta admit I could feel cute at times.

=P

Okay, since the MCO is gonna be another 18 days long, I figured out I would go do some groceries shopping tomorrow at Hero Market, which is just right at All Season Place.

I hated to go out these days.

With all the hassle to go through wearing masks and all the sanitizing needed.

I would definitely prefer being at home if it wasn't necessary.

But since I'm going to have to go tomorrow anyway, I'm going to get myself a few bottles of wine!!!

Home alone is really boring at night if I don't get drunk.

I just finished one bottle of Moscato alone the other night and it definitely wasn't enough.

So the to-buy-list tomorrow surely must have bottles of wines in it!

Alright, that's enough ranting for today.

I might blog a lot these lately as I'm just way too free and bought a new wireless keyboard which is very convenient.

Love it!

Okay, bye for now.

<3 p="">

Lost

Often when you thought things were slightly better, it often wasn't that good.

Situations can always prove your thought wrong.

With the massive outbreak of the New-Corona Virus this year, it kind of affects every single aspect in life.

That includes mine.

As of previous post, my emotions have been quite volatile lately.

It surely wasn't good.

I was being nice one second, happy next, anger and outburst later.

Followed by numbness.

I don't know what could have been worst.

It's 3.04am now.

While I'm still here.

Drowning in my own emotion.

I don't know.

It's probably about the quarrel and disagreement I had just now with you know who.

I've been trying so hard to contain myself and be that supportive girlfriend does.

But to him it just wasn't enough perhaps.

I don't even expect that much from him anymore, therefore I wouldn't complain.

But here comes his complaints about me.

That is what started my feeling of numbness more than ever.

I'm just really somehow tired.

Tired of this whole thing.

I don't really know what are we both holding on for right now.

It came to the point where I felt meaningless.

I even felt worthless.

More of all.

Numb.

It even came to the point of having suicidal thoughts again.

Those thoughts have been so empowering over the past half-year.

For past two days it was slightly better with medications.

But it came again just now after those arguments.

I can felt that he kind of saw no point talking to me while I obviously felt the same.

We both kind of stopped trying maybe.

That is why I have not much idea of what we were actually holding on to torturing each other right now.

I'm really tired of all of these mess.

My old plan of marriage at age 26 obviously is blown by myself and now I'm 28 and still clueless of my own marriage.

I just sort of given up on it actually.

I've been feeling so lost in life.

It wasn't a good feeling.

Blogging felt like the only way to express without having to being judged and still hold it to myself.

The only me-time.

I don't even care if anyone reads my blog anymore cause all of these are too much from the heart that I couldn't spit it out from my mouth.

There was probably no other better ways of expressing these without having to be worried of anything.

For example like, making family members to be worried about me or him judging me as being too in grief not seeing or understanding on his behalf.

Once, someone always tell me that nobody is wrong, just the matter of different aspect and no one is willing to step down.

While I waited for him to make things up and him waiting for the same, I might as well just pour my thoughts here for relieve.

It is obviously better here as I wouldn't need to be the offending one nor he would have to defend for himself causing the fuss of the whole thing all over again.

It's just a cycle.

A never ending one.

And I'm tired of this cycle.

Sometimes I really felt like giving up.

Yet, I don't know what makes me didn't.

It became a sort of punishment I told myself that I deserved for starting all these in the first place two years back.

Then this thought would have just hurt me all over again.

The another cycle I've been having so frequent.

That's frightening to me.

So, I'm 28 now.

Yet so lost in life.

Not knowing where my future lies.

Everything is a blank.

I have the ability financially but....

Not really much of the other purpose.

I used to be so clear-minded, goal-based type of girl.

Yet now, I felt so worthless and useless as my life is in a mess and just keep wasting away.

Feeling like an old retired lady but not having to enjoy the essential moments of life I longed to have.

Is my time yet to come?

Or is it already lost?

Well, I don't know.

3 Years Later

Its been 3 years since the last time I blogged and open here up.

Really surprises me how time flies.

Approximately two years ago I broke up with Wonder.

7th of May became the new anniversary for me and Albert.

Really funny how things changed.

Yet I wasn't happy with these changes.

I bought my own house last year which became a new achievement unlocked.

Also I took my Scuba Diving Open Water License last year.

Another bucket-list checked.

Some of these are the only happy things I achieved for myself.

Yet, some other things are actually a burden to me.

For example, my relationship.

It was really hard to deal with.

My life basically felt like a mess.

From regular anxiety to chronic stress and emotional problems leads to my depression.

Doctor have been increasing my dose.

For the medication couldn't work enough to press me down.

I kept feeling like I'm getting panic attack at any point of time.

Shivers, chills, volatile mood swings.

It all became my everyday routine.

I couldn't even manage my emotions when I get to work sometimes.

Chronic insomnia and migraines daily became my best friend.

While it affected my vision.

When I became stressed up, my vision blurred and vibrates as though everything is having earthquake.

Like as in very bad earthquake.

I couldn't help it.

I have to take medication to hold it down and let me have a proper sleep at night.

But even after increasing the dose, I'm still slowly feeling like it doesn't have effect on me anymore.

Feeling like I need more to help it to control myself.

I don't even know what's happening to me now.

I admit that I hold on to the past really bad.

I grieved and blamed.

To no one but myself.

At times I keep telling myself that it's okay.

That I deserved it for making all these mess upon my own.

I couldn't really mention it to anyone.

I'm so being used to be the listener.

Not the one complaining.

Pauline kept checking on me once in a while, and I know she's busy with her own work and life.

Didn't wanna cause her so much trouble to having to listen to me too much.

While others are all occupied with their lives too.

Unless I call them myself, don't think anyone would have realized I'm dead if I really did.

Maybe Elena will do but still the chances are low.

She's happy with her life now.

Didn't wanna bring negative vibes to her too.

Actually I didn't wanna bring it up to anyone.

Other than that Asshole.

But he wouldn't even reply my messages so don't mention saying anything about anything at all.

Albert, I don't know.

I felt like I can't even communicate with him properly nowadays.

We didn't even talk much.

When people asked me about when to marry and all, I just felt like I don't want people to even remember that he proposed last year.

It all meant nothing now.

Not that I'm single now, but I just didn't want to talk about it at all.

Like I say, my life is a mess jumbled up in a mess.

I hate myself right now that I couldn't even say how much. 

Never have had hatred on myself that bad before.

Feeling worthless and useless.

Daily nighttime is the worst of all.

Either I have to cry to sleep or thinking or suicide to fall asleep.

It was scary.

I couldn't have thought that I couldn't be afraid of myself that much before all these.

It really changed me.

2018.

Everything.

Worst transition of time in my whole lifetime I suppose.

Thanks to myself.