New Hobby, Camping.

 Life is a great Up & Down journey for me.

But for this instance, everything is going great now.

Career is a little catchy, but still within my handling limits.

Leaving that aside, this post is regarding my new hobby, camping.

Getting to do it with my loved ones which are  my Boo and family is a great joy.

Something we all enjoyed doing together out in the nature, leaving all the bustling city stress behind.

On the bad side is that it is starting to cost a lot. 😂

Speaking of how this hobby started.

It first started of with only 3 person, which are the A.C.E;

Adam, Cleavon (used to call him Lun, but whom I now refer to as my Boo, and yes, he is the love of my life now =P), and lastly Evon (me).

Our first ever real camping experience that lead to why this post exist was a 3 days 2 night camp in Pantai Kerachut, Penang dated 28-30 August 2022.

I missed their invitation to camp for a night during Christmas 2021 because of my ex, Marcus and upon hearing their experience there after, it triggered my interest.

As I'm an outdoor-person, we planned the Pantai Kerachut on the above mentioned date.

It eventually became something we got addicted to, making a relative impact to our daily life.

In this case, the impact is a positive one, bringing our family members and everyone else together.

I would never have thought that in the short period of 11 months, we have camped in various sites for 13 times across Penang and Perak.

With an average of a camping trip of once per month, I gotta say we're quite different from how we started of back then right now.

Filling ourselves with a hell load of experiences, I now daresay I'm qualified to making review posts on the campsites that we have been to share with all of you.

So, on my upcoming posts, I will be making review posts on various campsites that we frequented and visited to share with other campers, making my blog useful for once other than ranting on my personal love life. 😁

Like I say, it did had an impact on my life.

❤❤❤

We even have our own camping group named Wilderness Crew.

Consisting of my siblings, in-law, A.C.E, my Boo's family members, and a few of our new-met camping friends, it eventually turned into a rather big group.

Which I have to say I'm kinda proud of.

Never did I know it could turn into something this serious for us all.

Keeping it consistent to camp regularly at least once a month, we did manage to gain lots of knowledge and experiences throughout.

I gotta say, we've been really heated and persistent.

I will leave the details of Pantai Kerachut campsite for the next post, which I will start off as my first campsite review.

I will try to pour in as many information of the campsites as I could to help campers who are interested to visit.

The reason why I'm doing this is because I realized all the review Vlogs we found on YouTube regarding campsites has it's own disadvantage.

Some people like me just preferred to read over the details rather than going through a 45 minutes video log.

And yes of course, you can have a detailed visual experience through vlog but I have to say it is rather time consuming if you wanted to go through something for the second time.

Some details and info can be rather easy if they just browse through a blog.

I'm not saying that blogging can help more than a video do, it's just an alternative option for those who preferred something else.

So I'm just going to end this post here and get you anticipate for my upcoming campsite review posts.

Starting off according to my past camping sequences, the first one will be Pantai Kerachut.

Ciao for now!

🙆🙆🙆

Life Weights.

 Life can really be a challenge throughout journey.

As we grow, we tend to realize a lot of changes and how life can be exhausting.

Filled with wants and desire, we always hold much expectation of others and never failed to be amazed by how people can be so much disappointing.

For instance, my very own example.

Feels like deep diving without oxygen tank on.

Drowning with all the weight but suffocating.

Been in deep pot for 4 years and the game still going...

A yet to be ending cycle.

Let me first start of with first change, moving down to KL.

Due to some incidents, I moved down to live here with Marcus.

It has been around 3 months and I have started to realize that he still couldn't get hold of the real meaning how couples are to be living with each other.

Or should I say that he don't qualify to have another half.

I somehow felt like I don't belong here or we don't belong to each other.

I kept giving myself the reason of all these are because he had been single for quite awhile, but after sometime, I realized it was his own personality or by his own choice for all that have happened.

Maybe we should have not been together at all.

Living the life of having partner but not having them fully felt like a waste of energy.

Making you feel like you are just an extra.

With or without, not much difference.

Freedom comes with a cost, yet not everyone is willing to sacrifice freedom for their loved ones.

Or maybe I wasn't really the loved one from the start?

Could be.

An advise from a friend of mine said I have got to start making decisions for myself and pull away for good.

But all I can say is it was easier said than done.

Still hanging on till I feel like I'm letting go, I will then do so.

Passion have been ceasing throughout.

Family members are another matter.

Therefore more weight added to it.

Two people being together means two families attached.

Meaning it was no longer the matter of two people but, that two particular beings are the one who held the choices how its being handled.

I see him as being not able to control his nor his family's perception.

That's a BIG CEASURE to me.

Maybe one day...

Second challenge comes.

My Dim-Sum business.

It seemed like the two of my other business partners are trying to get me out of the business authority.

By that, trying to get hold of my bank security-token which is a major setback of how I thought they are steady or sporting partners.

Though this might be due to me moving down to KL yet, one of this major reason why I'm down here was also caused by one of them.

Arsses.

Pardon me cussing, but now I realized how toxic society can be regardless how well you try to mean.

This I can still handle as we have Shareholder Agreement bound by Law.

All I can say is to just try me.

Handle the consequences yourself trying not to abide by the Contract.

My good supportive family has always been the support pillar throughout my entire life.

For the three weeks back in Penang during CNY was loving and loved.

I've always been staying out of home since I was 22 but I never stopped knowing they will always be the one who will always be there for me.

Life can be weighing, it depended on us how were we to deal with it.

However bad, we still will have someone to back us up regardless who that it.

We still hold the authority how we are to be treated.

Knowing yourself holding such power will help you sort out the yes and no's, do's and don'ts.

Empower yourself delicately and choose who you become.

Knowing you will be successful and relieved of all nonsense some day.

The same advise I'm telling to myself.

This blog has been going on for year filled with a lot of ranting.

It was a way to express also nevertheless for those who reads knew that they found people who are facing the same struggles with dark thoughts can come through.

Also a kind of encouragement telling those out there that out of every darkness there will somehow be a light guiding.

Be it bright or dim, you just need to find it.

You hold the power to kill or cure yourself.

I wished you the later.

Feel free to drop a comment for whoever who wishes to express your thoughts or those who are facing their inner monsters.

I may not be of much help but I strongly believe that those who are struggling just wanted to be heard.

Spurt it out and feel good.

Just like me blogging and ranting.

😊😊😊

See you guys around.

-signing off-

The News

 Have you guys had a feeling of helplessness before?

When you wanted to do so much but can only do that much.

That is how I'm feeling now trying to slim down.

Have been so motivated lately that I only consume one meal a day.

There are a few reasons that made me this motivated.

First, it is for my sister's wedding this month on the 26th.

Second, is because I can feel my boyfriend despise me being that way.

Well, it is normal for guys to be wanting to look at pretty girls, but I somehow could not accept my own boyfriend gave me that kind of feeling.

Lately we had a few arguments, and I kept having deep thoughts to myself.

Is this what I have wanted?

Is he good for me?

Or is he just another toxic relationship?

I will leave behind the details of the argument.

That is because he did change a little after the argument for good.

But somehow, there has been trails of broken part inside me that gotten me start thinking a lot.

I've always prioritized him yet, I didn't feel like I've gotten back the same amount of priority in his heart given.

Which I really thought carefully, observing thoroughly.

I doubt a lot ever since.

I should really think for myself more often.

And if this relationship doesn't work out like the way I wanted it to be, I'd rather finish it earlier for good.

A few deep affecting relationships for me is more than enough for me to realize being single has its pros.

You do not need to expect so much out of other person when they could not give you what you wanted.

My new proverb; "The higher the expectation, The more disappointment. Yet while in disappointment, You still hope."

This is the Seven Relationships, Six Desires of a human.

As much as I hope I would not be affected this way, I'm still one human being.

I'm still bounded by these.

That is why I have been thinking; Should I free myself from all these?

Reality, Materiality, Love, Others.

Easier said than done.

I'm in a state of life that I can see things from another aspect without being emotionally-driven at some point.

But I still could not persist the rationality for long time of period without feeling the numbness in my heart.

I'm still stuck after all.

In a loop of never-ending reality that I wished could be better.

I've received news of my client passed away yesterday.

It got me thinking again that Life is so Short.

Unexpected events that you can not stop God from playing his movie.

"Life is but a Movie" like it says.

The news stumbled me for quite a while and my inspiration to compose a song comes.

It is named "消息" a.k.a "The News"

The song reflected how I feel when someone I knew is lost and how it affected those people who loved them.

How helpless I was in that situation consoling them.

From another point of view, it also reflects my own self-communication with myself that happened at times.

I consoled myself and me telling myself everything will be better in life.

I have myself to take care of my own.

It is a little complex in feelings.

I did not compose a lot of songs.

Only when I had strong-pulling feelings that I needed to express out.

Those words that couldn't be expressed that easily to people.

Something inside my heart hidden.

Soon I hope Loon and Adam can help me with composing the music for the songs I wrote.

It is going to make me to have the sense of achievement unlocked.

All those songs were composed in a day or two.

Which also got me thinking; I am such a complex being.

I don't know if its a good thing or bad.

Definitely depending who I relied my feelings on.

And I hope that person is who I'm being with now.

I really hope.

-signing off-

Happy Change, Dreadful Pain.

 These two years my hair had been in totally black state.

Previously have not been dyed for at least TWO freaking years!

Nor did I do any perming before this.

This time I have finally urged myself to do both at the same time!

Colouring it copper, while perming it curl.

Gotta say the result is what I loved.

Looking more mature and fresh at the same time, not everyone liked this look.

For example, Marcus.

He said I looked too mature to his liking.

But guess what?

I don't care!

😔😔😔

This is the time I would finally do things for myself.

Doing the things I've always wanted and make myself happy.

Do not always live in expectation of others.

You definitely couldn't please everyone.

In this case, it's my boyfriend.

Regardless how everyone feel, at times you got to be aware of how you yourself feel.

That's what I learnt since my past mistake.

But first, let me show you my new hairstyle!

I'm sorry, but I have to say I loved how it came out so nicely done.

Done the right decision to try this out at Hair Factory, Karpal Singh.

The staff were nice and friendly.

Definitely recommended.

The only things is that the process is a little thrilling using this funny looking perming machine.

It looked like octopus hand pulling all your hair.

When it's done, the results before end look is damn entertaining.

The hair designer asked me to get my handphone ready with camera.

She even said that some customer got shocked seeing their hair became that way.

Look at my Maggi Mee below.

😂😂😂

I couldn't help laughing when I see myself looking that way.

I think I laughed for a few minutes and bursting out again now and then.

The staff couldn't hold it in when she sees me laughing that way.

But thank God that the end result came out good.

💗💗💗

Other than that, the dreadful part comes.

That's the two side of the story.

As so it seemed that now is the Charlie bug season.

Which means a bad news to me because my house is facing the hillside.

The good news is that is it chilling most of the time it rains and goes misty.

I basically just turn off the air-conditioner and just relax with the cold wind.

But the bad news that comes with it is that there are also a lot of bugs came flying through my window.

All kinds of insects.

Bugs Story kind of variety, which also includes Charlie Bug!

Most of time, it is just pass through and having some of them in my bathroom.

We go along well, and they do not sting me.

Seemed like happy time don't always last.

Therefore, my time has come!

Blisters all over me in all sorts of places!

Fingers, wrist, arm, thigh, neck, lips, and many more!

Damn the wounds are annoying.

Spreading from one place to another the moment I accidentally scratched the nearbyes.

Now I gotta admit I'm not really fond of them.

Just in case you don't know what Charlie Bug is, here is the Google result of it.

If you see one, DO NOT touch or shove it off with your bare hands!

you definitely do not want to end up having this blisters like I did.

Penang is definitely raging with this bugs recently, especially when it's their season.

And if you accidentally come across one, wrap it up using toilet roll and throw it into the toilet bowl.

Bare in mind that if you don't wrap it tight, it will come out squirming inside the side of the bowl.

That is going to be very disgusting and irritating.

But if you accidentally come into contact with it, wash off the area for a few minutes with tap water.

If blisters came out like mine did, go to the pharmacy.

Get a cream called Fucicort from the pharmacist and wrap your wounds up with wire-gauze and tape.

This is to prevent it from spreading the ooze all over whatever that comes into contact.

I bet you could bandage the wound better than I did.

Though I'm a Red Crescent member, my First-Aid skills have been deteriorating ever since I came out of secondary school.

 So, just ignore my looking-too-serious bandage.

😂😂😂

Okay...

It comes to an end today.

Time for me to get busy with my Dim-Sum business!

Chiaos!

- Signing off - 

Now I Know Why!

 I used to blog everyday 12 years back.

Updating each and every little bit of my life here.

Making sure I have a place to remember small little occasions.

I actually enjoyed blogging, but I realized I have been slacking a lot back then.

Now I definitely know the reason why I have not been doing so frequently for the past few years!

The reason is that I wasn't facing the laptop or computer all the time.

Thus I find it inconvenient to just open up my laptop and update my blog.

And now that I'm facing my small tablet as laptop everyday, I couldn't help but doing what I'd forgotten doing all these years.

I used to only blog when I was in pain because the pain was the only thing I wanted to remember and keep telling myself the exact same thing.

But now that I am enjoying my life doing things at my pace, I find myself more at ease, instead of rushing into things blindly.

I am more capable of taking good care of myself and see what is good for me and what is not.

I definitely feel damn blessed *sorry for the vulgar* and loving every single day of my life.

Though I've been debating a lot with my partners about the business, I definitely feel that it's what's best for the company. (and it's a healthy debate)

Though sometimes we got frustrated with each other sometimes. 

😝😝😝

But still, all ends well.

Hopefully they do not hold grudge against me though.

In conjunction with the pandemic, I gotten my second jab yesterday.

Got kind of uncomfortable in the middle of the night but luckily it subsided this morning.

Gotta second jab is not kidding me.

But lucky me that I did not have fever.

Or it's going to be very inconvenient to work.

We're going to have our THIRD photoshoot today.

Like MY GOODNESS.

I definitely hope this will be the last time we need to do this.

Wish Us many many luck!

I guess that's all for today.

- Signing off feeling good and tired -

💗💗💗

Feeling Mischievous Today

 Feeling motivated today to update my blog.

It's a rainy day today.

(I'mma do it the conventional diary kind of thing) 😃

Recently no more of any sad stories.

Days seemed to brightened up as time passes.

New Dim Sum business have gotten me busy and motivated to do things better.

My first very own official business and I'm gonna make it work!

Lightened up with my family worrying I would get too stressed up with the business.

My uncle asked if I was stressed-up or now, and ask me to relieve myself if so.

Funny at the same time happy because he did invested in the business.

My reply was if I'm slacking then he should be worried with his money invested.

😂😂😂

But it did lightened me up.

So it seemed one little gesture can cheer or kill. 

In this case, it's the former.

❤❤❤

It's a new month now.

Beginning of September.

My new goal other than stressing how to make the business better, is to diet.

I have been eating since the past two months.

Weight figure increasing like no limit.

That is damn scary~

😳😳😳

By end of October, I should be less than 10kg than I am now.

Hoping could fit into the gown I bought for my sis' wedding.

I'd be really damned if I couldn't achieve my desired figure.

I definitely do not want to look like a meatball during the wedding.

Wish me luck!

 

Everyone told me I've grown some meat.

Look at that damned cheeks!

😰😰😰

Owh by the way, if you guys still have not try out my Dim Sum then you should!

Come give a little support to little business by me.

I'll leave the link here just in case you guys give some face.

😛😛😛

Click Me For Dim Sum

Do leave a comment below if you decided to try so that I would know who tried.

Gonna get feedback from you guys too!

Thank you in advance!

💗💗💗

- signing off -

New Business Coming Up

Two posts in a day?

Nahhhh~~~

I just realized I have not posted my draft during May until now.

Just publishing it from my Draft.

Up until now, things were changing now and then.

My new business is finally launched on 30th July 2021.

Sedap@DimSum it's name it is!

Yup, We're selling Dim Sum online!

Family & Friendship

 Someone said my post is all about my wrecked-up relationships.

But after the previous post, my inspiration started coming.

I just needed to get it out of my head.

Talking about Family and Friends.

Our blood-bonds are usually the initial motivator to our life I phrase it.

Friends comes after that.

Although sometimes not everyone experiences the same but I believe for the most of us, It Is.

My supportive family lies behind my whole strength and what keeps me going right now.

Though depressed and down-times sucked, I have to say my family members really have been really supportive and caring for my well-being.
That is also the reason why I've been susceptible into telling them too much.

Just didn't want to make them more worried than necessary.

Friends.

They love me as much as I loved them.

Often the called to check on me to make sure I'm okay, texted to annoy me for fun (much to my delight), and asked me out or asked to visit me at my place.

They definitely are part of cores to my well-being! 

This post is to particularly show a lot of Gratitude to those who've helped and accompanied me throughout.

Never in Life that I feel so much Love from all of them until in time of such need.

Each and everyone of them played a different role in helping me.

All shaping me into how I am today.

They are the ones that made me felt Life wasn't that bad.

The Ones that made held on for such a long time.

I LOVE YOU GUYS!

<3

Better Me

 It's been a little bit of now and then.

Days passed, Routines done.

I've gotten better and a little cheerful than the past TWO years.

I have to say having someone to talk to everyday really do help lifting mood.

I felt much more at ease and relaxed, not to mention LESSER overthinking.

Which is a very good thing.

I guess I'm not the kind of Loner being.

Or to be exact, I enjoyed being given much attention by one being.

Realizing this, I've always been the one to elevate moods and creating relaxed environment for most of people that I often forgot to focus on myself.

To be exact is that I don't know how to cure myself.

I still do enjoy my time alone but it's only for a little while that would be more than enough.

More than necessary will just lead to a lot of unnecessary overthinking again.

I've been sleeping better. *on some occasion*

Well, it depends.

At least I've been able to fall asleep more easily than previously.

Dreams are still bothering me as usual.

Till now only I realized that not everyone make dreams everyday.

At times, I felt sleepless as I've been transferring myself from one reality to another that's in my subconscious mind.

It's just a never ending cycle from being awake in real life then back to being awake in your dream.

But it's still better than not being able to sleep at all.

Overall it feels good to be able to strip myself from being too emotional. *under guidance*

Plus lately I've been cooking!

Bought lots of ingredients and playing a lot of Cooking Mama at home.

It is definitely keeping me occupied.

=)

Speaking of cooking, my friends are coming over for some kind of food tasting or experimenting or whatever you call it.

Kitchen been cleaned up a lot, which means good.

It has been quite sometime I really utilized my kitchen since Albert was here.

Now, I just got to replace those with new happenings.

House has been slowly cleaned up part by part.

Thanks to Jiro for this.

He's definitely been very handful and helpful to me in cleaning things up.

I was so overwhelmed and started to have panic attack when I see too much stuff being compiled together at the same time.

On one side I didn't know why I reacted this way, while on the other side of me knows exactly why I've been that way.

The fact is that messy things of the situation is an exact replica of my life.

And me being so panic and having anxiety typically shows how helpless of myself in handling that messed-up life of mine.

That one emotion outbreak got me thinking of myself very deeply.

On top of that, Elena told me that she felt sad for me the other day.

I wasn't sure how to feel for that and I really hope one day people surrounding me will feel really happy for me instead of making them feel the way Elena did.

I don't mind being in bad life but I certainly people around are happy and in great health.

But I definitely know I will be BETTER!

<3

The New OutBreak

 Exactly a year after the First MCO.

Seems like the Covid Virus actually got the better of Malaysians these days.

Somehow people learned to live with it but never learned to overcome and to break it's chain.

Now it's MCO 3.0

These days it's purely just more wines and alcohols. 

New achievement unlocked is to quit smoking cigarette but still vaping.

I gotta say its better than being stuck with both of them at the same time.

Now, talking about life these days....

Life got kinda messed up with a lot of complications.

Just settles my LHDN coffee interview and I have to say it went better than expected.

Lesser fine than I thought I would get.

Thank Goodness!

Well, relationship is still a mess.

I don't know it LDR works for me or the other way round.

The relationship this time with Marcus is way different than Albert.

Things were working in a complete different way.

We both gave each other a lot of freedom, which is Good, or Bad.

Could be both way round.

I was granted with whole load of freedom that makes me feel like it doesn't make any much difference from being single.

Which is also the same amount of freedom I gave him.

I was a completely different from all my past relationships.

However, I've met more people and gained more different experiences throughout.

Being so much in liberty made me think a lot.

Would I be better off alone?

What if all those previous Predictions come true and I am slowly being mold into the person they predicted I would be?

Am I acting now on sound mind?

I was literally quite confused.

They said I could be hallucinating these days, which I do not feel it is true.

Yet, they said I wouldn't even know if what I thought as true were all hallucinations.

Coming to the reason I mentioned about hallucinating is that I've been experiencing Paranormal activities in my own new house lately.

That is if a few months is called "lately". 

xD

Not to mention, I've been around to temples and drinking amulets for the past week.

Not sure if which was real.

Dreams every night of different situations are haunting me.

From dreaming about normal daily life happenings to ghostly haunting. 

It seemed like I've been so used to these that I don't even feel anything anymore.

Daily life have been empty, though it was eventful.

Just couldn't really find meaning and participation in daily happenings.

It felt as if I was there, yet not.

Guess I wasn't the actual me anymore.

Things changed so much that I can't even recall which is the original state of mind.

I guess that's what they called "Life is but a Dream".

Hoping I might wake up someday.

Corona Virus Pandemic

For the first time experiencing such pandemic lockdown is definitely mind-blowing.

It's been since the 18th of March the MCO started.

Three-freaking-weeks have passed, while another two more weeks to go.

Or should I say 18 days more to be exact.

I've been so longing to get out and fly.

Ever since I bought that Air Asia Unlimited Pass.

Which the good use of it is definitely thrown into the sea right now.

The flights are banned, everyone sealed in their own home.

Good side is that the pandemic outbreak was kind of contained.

Bad side is that everyone was really like an animal in the zoo.

Performing cooking skills everyday was a routine.

To me, singing was a routine everyday.

Hahahahaha....

Thank God I have been playing back K达之人.

It have been helping me passing lots of free time.

I definitely gained popularity inside the application.

Joined a few competitions myself and the results are NOT BADDDD...

=D

Gained some happiness and satisfaction from it at least.

People seemed to be enjoying my singing in there.

The results surely felt rewarding.

Hahhahaha....

Somehow during these MCO period, my feelings and emotions actually got better.

It is like I'm getting more peace from it.

I don't know why in exact, but it feels as though I learn how to be on my own.

Living without anyone but myself.

Emotions will still stir-up sometimes.

Just not as frequent as I previously was.

Gradually slowing down my intake of those prescribed medications too.

I'm trying to make myself feel better instead of trying to rely on other people to sooth my feelings.

I still do mourn for myself.

I need to confide in the pain within me to numb it.

It actually helps me to face it rather than straying away from it in avoidance.

The pain didn't hurt any lesser but I'm just trying to not care so much about the pain anymore.

Might be due to the MCO that I learned to cook on my own, doing things for myself to pass time that help me realize that I'm actually able to live without anyone.

It surely feels empty inside but, it somehow held my pain intact.

Or maybe it was the daily routine that helped me engage in other things that I'm busy with thus not realizing its there.

The good side of MCO other than making me accidentally felt better, is that I've been so good in cooking these days that I'm finally starting to cook more complicated dishes!

And, I just did my own haircut the day before yesterday using the method in Facebook video.

The simplicity and result was actually quite astonishing!

I was quite surprised to be honest.

It looked quite good and it doesn't even take 10 minutes!

I actually have the little urge to crop it shorted than intended.

But thinking that it was quite hard to grow back, I held back. X

I still prefer it to be long in the end.

So I wouldn't look too childish and baby-faced.

Normally I wouldn't call myself baby-faced but I gotta admit I could feel cute at times.

=P

Okay, since the MCO is gonna be another 18 days long, I figured out I would go do some groceries shopping tomorrow at Hero Market, which is just right at All Season Place.

I hated to go out these days.

With all the hassle to go through wearing masks and all the sanitizing needed.

I would definitely prefer being at home if it wasn't necessary.

But since I'm going to have to go tomorrow anyway, I'm going to get myself a few bottles of wine!!!

Home alone is really boring at night if I don't get drunk.

I just finished one bottle of Moscato alone the other night and it definitely wasn't enough.

So the to-buy-list tomorrow surely must have bottles of wines in it!

Alright, that's enough ranting for today.

I might blog a lot these lately as I'm just way too free and bought a new wireless keyboard which is very convenient.

Love it!

Okay, bye for now.

<3 p="">

Lost

Often when you thought things were slightly better, it often wasn't that good.

Situations can always prove your thought wrong.

With the massive outbreak of the New-Corona Virus this year, it kind of affects every single aspect in life.

That includes mine.

As of previous post, my emotions have been quite volatile lately.

It surely wasn't good.

I was being nice one second, happy next, anger and outburst later.

Followed by numbness.

I don't know what could have been worst.

It's 3.04am now.

While I'm still here.

Drowning in my own emotion.

I don't know.

It's probably about the quarrel and disagreement I had just now with you know who.

I've been trying so hard to contain myself and be that supportive girlfriend does.

But to him it just wasn't enough perhaps.

I don't even expect that much from him anymore, therefore I wouldn't complain.

But here comes his complaints about me.

That is what started my feeling of numbness more than ever.

I'm just really somehow tired.

Tired of this whole thing.

I don't really know what are we both holding on for right now.

It came to the point where I felt meaningless.

I even felt worthless.

More of all.

Numb.

It even came to the point of having suicidal thoughts again.

Those thoughts have been so empowering over the past half-year.

For past two days it was slightly better with medications.

But it came again just now after those arguments.

I can felt that he kind of saw no point talking to me while I obviously felt the same.

We both kind of stopped trying maybe.

That is why I have not much idea of what we were actually holding on to torturing each other right now.

I'm really tired of all of these mess.

My old plan of marriage at age 26 obviously is blown by myself and now I'm 28 and still clueless of my own marriage.

I just sort of given up on it actually.

I've been feeling so lost in life.

It wasn't a good feeling.

Blogging felt like the only way to express without having to being judged and still hold it to myself.

The only me-time.

I don't even care if anyone reads my blog anymore cause all of these are too much from the heart that I couldn't spit it out from my mouth.

There was probably no other better ways of expressing these without having to be worried of anything.

For example like, making family members to be worried about me or him judging me as being too in grief not seeing or understanding on his behalf.

Once, someone always tell me that nobody is wrong, just the matter of different aspect and no one is willing to step down.

While I waited for him to make things up and him waiting for the same, I might as well just pour my thoughts here for relieve.

It is obviously better here as I wouldn't need to be the offending one nor he would have to defend for himself causing the fuss of the whole thing all over again.

It's just a cycle.

A never ending one.

And I'm tired of this cycle.

Sometimes I really felt like giving up.

Yet, I don't know what makes me didn't.

It became a sort of punishment I told myself that I deserved for starting all these in the first place two years back.

Then this thought would have just hurt me all over again.

The another cycle I've been having so frequent.

That's frightening to me.

So, I'm 28 now.

Yet so lost in life.

Not knowing where my future lies.

Everything is a blank.

I have the ability financially but....

Not really much of the other purpose.

I used to be so clear-minded, goal-based type of girl.

Yet now, I felt so worthless and useless as my life is in a mess and just keep wasting away.

Feeling like an old retired lady but not having to enjoy the essential moments of life I longed to have.

Is my time yet to come?

Or is it already lost?

Well, I don't know.

3 Years Later

Its been 3 years since the last time I blogged and open here up.

Really surprises me how time flies.

Approximately two years ago I broke up with Wonder.

7th of May became the new anniversary for me and Albert.

Really funny how things changed.

Yet I wasn't happy with these changes.

I bought my own house last year which became a new achievement unlocked.

Also I took my Scuba Diving Open Water License last year.

Another bucket-list checked.

Some of these are the only happy things I achieved for myself.

Yet, some other things are actually a burden to me.

For example, my relationship.

It was really hard to deal with.

My life basically felt like a mess.

From regular anxiety to chronic stress and emotional problems leads to my depression.

Doctor have been increasing my dose.

For the medication couldn't work enough to press me down.

I kept feeling like I'm getting panic attack at any point of time.

Shivers, chills, volatile mood swings.

It all became my everyday routine.

I couldn't even manage my emotions when I get to work sometimes.

Chronic insomnia and migraines daily became my best friend.

While it affected my vision.

When I became stressed up, my vision blurred and vibrates as though everything is having earthquake.

Like as in very bad earthquake.

I couldn't help it.

I have to take medication to hold it down and let me have a proper sleep at night.

But even after increasing the dose, I'm still slowly feeling like it doesn't have effect on me anymore.

Feeling like I need more to help it to control myself.

I don't even know what's happening to me now.

I admit that I hold on to the past really bad.

I grieved and blamed.

To no one but myself.

At times I keep telling myself that it's okay.

That I deserved it for making all these mess upon my own.

I couldn't really mention it to anyone.

I'm so being used to be the listener.

Not the one complaining.

Pauline kept checking on me once in a while, and I know she's busy with her own work and life.

Didn't wanna cause her so much trouble to having to listen to me too much.

While others are all occupied with their lives too.

Unless I call them myself, don't think anyone would have realized I'm dead if I really did.

Maybe Elena will do but still the chances are low.

She's happy with her life now.

Didn't wanna bring negative vibes to her too.

Actually I didn't wanna bring it up to anyone.

Other than that Asshole.

But he wouldn't even reply my messages so don't mention saying anything about anything at all.

Albert, I don't know.

I felt like I can't even communicate with him properly nowadays.

We didn't even talk much.

When people asked me about when to marry and all, I just felt like I don't want people to even remember that he proposed last year.

It all meant nothing now.

Not that I'm single now, but I just didn't want to talk about it at all.

Like I say, my life is a mess jumbled up in a mess.

I hate myself right now that I couldn't even say how much. 

Never have had hatred on myself that bad before.

Feeling worthless and useless.

Daily nighttime is the worst of all.

Either I have to cry to sleep or thinking or suicide to fall asleep.

It was scary.

I couldn't have thought that I couldn't be afraid of myself that much before all these.

It really changed me.

2018.

Everything.

Worst transition of time in my whole lifetime I suppose.

Thanks to myself.

Looking for something to cling on.

Well, well.

Here I am again.

All I realize now is that whenever I were to have a massive outburst, I'll go blogging.

It's kind of like a place for me to voice out fully without getting judged or commented when I'm halfway talking.

Coming back to the real reason I blog.

My mind seemed to be flying else where recently.

I'm one freaking emotional creature.

It's hard for me not to be overwhelmed by emotions and I need real bad soothings whenever I'm sad or in a bad mood.

Yeah, I know that sounds totally like a princess but trust me, I don't think I'm one yet so far.

My patience seems to be quite enduring in these recent years but it does come to a certain limitations.

I could bear poverty, somewhat of a little ego, quarrels, heartbreaking stuffs, but somehow I couldn't stand not being comforted when I was heartbroken. 

You can say lies, treat me poorly, or even have a freaking bad attitude in the process, but all I cared for is the end.

You can just hug and say I Love You.

That's all what it takes.

Look back into my previous post of the stages and most importantly, look at the LAST STAGE!

Yet, people know and doesn't do it.

Just because they don't like doing things they don't like to do.

I'm quite speechless for that.

Sometimes I felt like I have sort of given up.

It's as though we have come into a stage where we know what our problems are but no one's willing to make a change.

He doesn't mind giving it up because he's freaking tired.

Me too.

But I just couldn't let go of those years of relationship.

To the hell I'm wrecked.

Yet I don't know how.

Girls, Ladies, Women. They are all the same.

Yeah, we are all the same.

But how are we the same?

We, are very, very, VERY sentimental.

Most boys, guys, or men thought we are one complicated being.

Well, I couldn't help saying they are quite right.

We are in fact quite simple-minded and very driven by emotions.

Why females often get mad and gotten their heart stoned or being cold-hearted?

The truth is women are all very soft-hearted.

It's sometimes the males that trained us to become that way.

How?

Easy.

We, FEMALES normally have what I call the 4 stages.

Unlike movies, our climax positioned in-front.

1st stage.

This stage usually complied the arguments and quarrels.

Women gets mad, and so do the guys.

We just got so fumed up that we just tend to forgot that so do the other party.

Someone just need to say the magic word.

But in my case, under normal situation, both sides just don't know when to give up.

And from there we just brought the whole momentum up to the next stage.

We hated each other.

2nd stage.

This stage is normally what I call the cold-war.

It seems as though both sides needed silence.

It is true that they may need time to relax and cool-down, or maybe not.

As for me, I hated this part.

I would just prefer to just settle the whole matter and get to the last stage fast even if it gets quite messy at times.

But not all people want to get messed-up with the solution.

It is quite heart-breaking having to know that the other party wouldn't really give up and just come and settle the whole matter.

So all the waiting and tears running down when you are crouched at the other side of the bed just bring you up to another whole new level.

3rd stage.

The numb.

Just like the name.

Feelings got numb towards the whole quarreling thing.

Some couples got through this stage while some breaks-up during this stage.

Me?

I got numb-er every single time I went through this stage. 

You just make yourself do stuffs ignoring the other party that does just the same.

Though you were kinda hoping they will just come over and say sorry.

(doesn't always happen that way)

Seconds tick and hours passed.

You don't even hate anymore.

You started to get tired.

For me, it kind of breaks my heart having to see couple through the whole process.

Be it in movies or real life.

In this stage, both sides of couple knew where the problem is.

You don't hate, you just don't know what to feel.

(especially for those who went through this like thousands of times)

Specially true for those who are already in a long-term relationships like 3 years or more.

4th stage.

Note: This stage would only come if at least one side still treasures the whole relationship.

Guys tend to thought it often kind to be like make-a-deal settlement.

But hey no!

Once I asked a male friend of mine, asking why guys just tend to avoid this stage.

He said most guys are afraid that things got messy from here and all the quarreling would start all over again without settling the real matter.

That is why, most would just ignore the whole matter and just move on as though nothing has ever happened throughout the third stage.

Leaving the females stone-hearted and sort of given-up.

He then realized in his late 20's that what most females need during this stage is just a big warm hug from the other partner and say the magic words.

No, not Sorry.

I guess you would have know now.

Yes, it is.

I Love You.

This would just melt out the whole heart and any hard feelings compiled inside.

Though sometimes we may still resist a little, but if guys could be a little persistent in the hugging, trust me.

I could 100% assure you that this trick would work anytime.

Unless you are really planning on giving up the whole relationship.

If not, this trick would work for sure.

I'm not saying only the guys must do this.

It is also doable by the ladies.

Actually depending on who is the actual fault in the whole matter.

Effect is best when the real causer is the one doing the hugging saying the "I Love You", and most importantly, "Sorry".

But in the event that no one is actually feeling wrong and it is just the different perspective of seeing things that started the argument, well then it depends on who truly treasures the whole relationship.

It is not that who treasures who more.

It is just who are more willing to take the initiative to make the move.

As much as I yearned for all these, things would still stray from the ideal way we want it to be.

Well, couples.

One important thing to keep the relationship going is to stay passionate.

I understand that sometimes you got tired and hurt or numb.

Or you might even be used to all the habits of each other, but you still got to be passionate of each others' love.

Just treasure your time together and just try to accept the way each of you are.

It makes relationships easier.

Having the passion to love the other party is more than enough to overcome all these frictions and obstacles.

No matter how much you quarreled or argued, just keep your fire burning inside you.

Like an officer of mine said, "Candles burn because they have heart which are the strings. Do you have it to keep you burning?"

Hope you enjoyed my random post.

Go give the one you love a hug right now after reading.

The effects is what I truly want for you.

The Crazy Hangover!

It has been long since I went for clubs.

Last Monday night was one I would have mentioned as one of the epic hangover.

It was the first time I went for this kind of drinking occasion with Amy, Wey, and Michael to CAMEO.

Well, the four of us started off with one fair Hennessy, finishing half of the bottle within half an hour with the game we played.

I soon realized the four of us started getting tipsy with the blaring music that got us high enough to get our moves out.

After finishing the whole bottle, I did not expect Amy to order another two buckets of Hoegaarden.

I felt like killing her for that because as usual, I hated beer!

 It makes us full and get our tummy bloated.

The worst part is that it makes you vomit like crap.

The hell what's been happening to me right after a few bottles down our throat!

The funny part is that Ah Wey has been badly drunk and doing all sorts of nonsense stuffs. 

In the end, we don't even dare to let him drive us back when we are to go home.

The rest of the 3 of us weren't better than him I supposed.

In the trip of going out to the car, there's been a lot of pulls and pushes in getting Wey down the stairs.

That's when that drunktard pushed me and I had a bad knee contact with the staircase.

All I now remembered was that when I walked out to the front door then only did I feel the throbbing pain.

Guess what?

Tadaaa~~

IT FREAKINGGGG BLEEEEEED!!!!!

That was the most embarrassing part of my night when I recalled my bad night quarreling with Wonder and the other bad days.

My emotions started kicking in and there, I started to sob and cry.

Now I feel like killing myself.

This is the second time I've been drunk crying and worst, in the public!

I guess it kinda made Amy and Michael panic.

Now I don't remember the part of how I got into the car and the whole trip of how we ended up at Birch House McDonalds.

It kind of freaks me out now that I think of it.

All I know is that I was still crying and my eyes were damned puffy!

Over there, there are some conversations that I couldn't much recall and only knew when I saw the video Michael had recorded.

All I could say is OWHHH.MY.GAWDDD!

Right after I'm done crying I guess.

 Amy saying nonsense! xD

 Amy eating burger bread! 
Poker faced!

 Ah Wey: "Wa kio Bryan Tan, wa kio Bryan Handsome Tan!"

I have no idea why am I pouting in the first place!

 Look at that steam faces and my puffy eyes.

This was Wey couldn't even take pictures properly making us look like ghouls!

 Heylo Mikey!
Finally a proper face of ours!

 Okay...
Mr. Bryan Handsome Tan!

This was the part where nonsense conversations come in and Amy was fucking Ah Wey the whole time!

There was also a part I remembered is that I unintentionally dropped the McChicken filling Amy was feeding me onto the floor.

I picked up the meat and threw it at Michael, but I don't know how a few minutes later, Ah Wey was feeding me the particular meat again and ate the rest of it himself!

I now could only say it was disgusting having to think back of it and DAMN!

Later on, we were back to our safe home in Amy's dangerous drunken driving skill.

I thank God nothing happened and I'm still in one piece.

The whole incident doesn't just end here, the next day, which was yesterday was the worst.

All those post-drunk state effects starts kicking in.

My hands, arms, shoulders, knee, feet, waist, in fact, my WHOLE BODY were having bruises and blue blacks!

I suppose that comes from the pulls and pushes at CAMEO.

Today, my hands were trembling on its own when I were doing daily stuffs like eating and all.

I guess that comes from too much alcohol the previous day.

Couldn't deny the fact that we are getting older already!

Anyway, apart from the post-effects I'm having now, I guess it was really enjoyable.

There might be another such outing again with them next month!

Maybe after I come back from Taiwan and JB for the next two weeks.

Now that I mentioned Taiwan, I couldn't wait to go onboard next Wednesday!

Shall update my post when I come back regarding the whole trip.

While tonight, it's Rummy night!

Well, yeah!

I'm an addicted Rummy gambler!

xD

Ciaos!